I sat there bewildered. I had done everything I knew to do. I humbled myself and prayed, fully believing. I fasted and memorized scritpure. I even got vulnerable and had others pray for me. I cried the hard and really ugly tears.
But God didn’t answer and my miracle didn’t come. It was like shooting in pitch black dark.
Disappointment swallowed me and all the feelings poured out like rain drops. I blamed God for a while, and then turned the blame on myself for the lack of whatever it was that was supposed to make this miracle happen. Question after question ran through my mind, trailed by scripture after scripture.
Yet, here I was still un-healed, still holding an unanswered prayer.
My faith felt broken and lost. I found myself sitting silently at His feet with no where else to go. I was at the end of myself, which, as it turns out, is where faith begins.
The longer I looked at the simmering disappointment the darker it got. Like sinking sand or raging waves, there was nothing to hold onto. That’s because faith cannot be conjured up in our own strength. We cannot will faith to grow or reason it to be. There isn’t a sequence of steps. It isn’t a thing to obtain or an action to perfect.
As I searched for answers in Hebrews, the Faith Hall of Fame as they say, I came across a phrase that left me speechless. In Hebrews 11:13 and 39 it says these Heroes “did not receive what had been promised”.
Their prayers went unanswered.
These great faith-filled men and women weren’t praised because they memorized scripture or prayed the most fervent prayers. No, they weren’t even praised for having the miracles they’d believed for. Their faith wasn’t about the results. Their faith was steadfast in who captivated their souls; they kept their eyes on Jesus. Jesus, the one who inspires, nurtures and completes our faith.
As we immerse ourselves in His presence, our faith deepens. Time spent in the word, time pouring out our worship before the Throne are all ways we encounter Him.
Faith comes through encountering the Living God. It is what happens when our hearts meet His character.
In that desperate place found at the end of ourselves is a place to lean into His holy and righteous character. As we press into His Word, and fix our eyes on His face, our faith is nurtured. Faith is a focus on knowing the One, the I AM. It is a confidence in who, not what.
I have yet to see the miracle I pray for, but I can see the love of my Savior, the face of my God and that is all the faith I need.