I do. I can’t take it anymore, this tight rope of doing all and being all is more than any girl could bear. The selfishness and high expectations have become too much. I’m quitting, walking out on my pride, my self-righteousness. I want a divorce. I am done being tied down with the expectations of perfection and so, I’m leaving my flesh behind, packing up and moving out.
Now. Before you think I lack commitment, let me clarify a few things.
This is more than just a break up.
See, me, myself and I— we’re way past the dating stage. This relationship goes waaaayyyy beyond a darling courtship. Nope, we have the matching t-shirts, the tattoo and the ring.
And there’s more.
We birthed pride, selfish ambition, and even a little insecurity too. All of this, every ounce of it, is tied up in this attraction to fame (also known as popularity or better yet — “pleasing man”). There, I admit, we fell in love with being the best, the brightest and the most liked … and it lead to no-man’s land.
See, we want success. And we want success in faith, amongst my Christian friends and my fellow church-goers. So… me, myself and I study the bible and read all the books, but for the wrong reasons. We attend all the groups and follow all the leaders’ social media sites, because, well… everyone does. We take boatloads of notes on how to be the most holy, the most righteous, the most faithful because if we reach that place, then we are fulfilled.
Or so I thought.
We’ve hit an insurmountable bump in the road, and I think it’s grounds to just split up, straight down the middle.
If this whole ‘do all the things to prove our faithfulness’, this checklist of perfection to reach faith’s hall of fame is legit, well, what’s the point? If attending groups and reading books is all it takes to be a “good christian”, well shoot, why wander in the desert for 40 years?
See what I mean. My pride argues that I MUST do those things to be a Christian. I MUST pray, I MUST read and attend and sing and speak and … and… and…. It all ends with me. My selfishness and my pride. A vicious cycle of self-righteousness motivated by guilt and falsely fulfilled by self-discipline.
And I’m done. Sign here please.
This was over a long time ago. See, this vicious cycle is based on conditions. “If this, then that.” “If I do, then I am.” Somehow that translated to “I am loved if___.”
This is not love. This is performance.
No real Love is different. Real Love comes willingly when we were still choosing to turn away. Real Love bends low, even while we yet strive for higher. Real Love comes with redemption ready and poised for our brokenness, despite our ridiculous plans and aspirations to do it ourselves. Real Love sits patiently in the mud while we pan for gold. Real Love walks across deserts and barren ground, crossing oceans of persecution just to be near me and you.
This Love requires nothing. It expects nothing. Yet gives everything. Love came so we could be. Love is already here, always here.
Love split the conditional in two, straight down the middle, inviting us in just as we are; right here right now. Anything that changes after is a result of love, not the other way around. This is the Love-living we seek. All we have to do is turn towards Love. No more me, just a surrendered soul to Love’s free grace.