I have found myself afraid to write. Even typing those words seems overtly strange. But it’s true.
The very thing that has taught my soul to breathe now terrifies it.
A recent moment broke open my heart to the realization of just how vulnerable this pursuit is. This dreaming, this practicing, this chasing, it is an utter exposure of hope. As I laid my intentions out in the wide open space of opportunity, I also laid bare the very expression of myself. I walked away from that moment both broken and elated. It has been a melody of contradictions ever since.
I’ve been pondering this sway and stagger routine and I’ve found that really this is not about exposure, but about surrender. It isn’t relinquishment – the giving up. It is the giving back, a laying down, a surrender. It can be awkward, in fact I’d venture the process of surrender has an awkward phase, a transition of sorts.
But that’s ok. It is in those awkward places, the hard ones where you fear the very place you so desperately crave, that you find the power to be still. Because it isn’t in your power that these hopes can take form, it is in His. Embrace the awkwardness, lean into it. The more you give back, the more His glory dawns.
“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…”